The World

The World

How do you run a small business without obsessing over Facebook?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. How do you run a small business without refreshing notifications and wondering if the algorithm simply hates you. Or without constantly asking yourself whether people actually care about what you're making.

I have a theory.

There are two versions of my thoughts. The first are the thoughts my ego, the bus driver, deems acceptable for public consumption. They are thoughts that feel polished enough to say out loud. The thoughts I can perform. Then there are the inner inner inner thoughts. Weird ones. I have to tell my brain to MAKE MY BRAIN do it. I have to unlock permission to the deep thoughts and really accept that I’m about to go there. How strange it is to have to allow myself to engage in deeper thought WITH MYSELF instead of just automatically letting myself wander. That’ how deep it’s buried. That’s how far down I’ve pushed myself.

To the thoughts that make me physically cringe when they float into my brain I ask:

What’s the worst that could happen if I let you out?

Not everything, obviously. We don't need to go around announcing every intrusive thought we've ever had. Life is already full of people loudly expressing themselves through hate and bigotry. We don't need more of that.

I'm talking about the real things that matter. The fears. The grief. The absurd. Our little thoughts about ourselves and our place in the world that we assume no one else could possibly understand.

Okay, what if they would understand?

Imagine the things we hide because we're afraid they're strange are actually gold. I think all of us clearly have two versions of ourselves. There's the thought we'd comfortably perform out loud. And then there's the deep thought. The one we quietly tuck away, or in my case violently reject immediately. Both are valid.

Socials always reward the performance thought. We post the acceptable version. The polished version that feels safe. But rarely our deepest musings.

I'm almost authentic. I write what I feel, but there are still secret little leftovers I leave out because I'm convinced nobody would understand them. My suspicion, my theory, is that we all do this. Every small business owner, content creator, community figure. Every person you've ever admired.

Because? Many of us learned very early that vulnerability comes with consequences and shame.

Okay. I need to back up and tell you a humdinger of a story.

When I was around ten years old, my sister and I spent the weekend at our grandparents' house. My stepdad picked us up to take us home, and everything seemed normal. He wasn't angry. He wasn't crabby. Just normal. We got home and went to our rooms. Everything but my bed, dresser, bookshelf, and clothes was gone.

Gone.

My room had been ransacked.

I'm sure he found some wrappers and random kid mess because, well, I was ten. But he also threw away art projects, art supplies, Christmas cards, trinkets, books, dollar-store treasures, stuffed animals, and Barbies with fuzzy hair that probably still had a few good years left in them. We didn’t even realize yet that there were garbage bags full of our belongings now sitting in the garage waiting for trash day.

Then we got called to the kitchen table.

He yelled about how ungrateful we were. How disgusting we were. We cried. He kept going. And then, THEN, he slapped my diary down on the table.He read from it.

Out loud.

Everyone hated me. There was some deep stuff in there. The kind of thoughts a child writes when they're trying to make sense of pain they don't even have real words for.

I believed that notebook was safe. A mini, chunky spiral notebook with a light blue cover. My only little corner of the world that belonged entirely to me. I've never trusted him or myself since. From then on I believed my inner-inner thoughts were shameful. I decided I couldn’t trust my brain anymore. In Fourth Grade.

And yes, maybe that sounds dramatic to some people. But if you're reading this and thinking, "That doesn't seem like a big deal," I strenuously suggest therapy. You’re probably a dirty diary reader too, aren’t you?

See? Inner inner thoughts. How are we feeling?

There's more to that story, but I'm not ready for all of it yet. Just this much. Small steps. Because here's what I think happened: when your truest thoughts are criticized or exposed, you learn to edit yourself. You become careful. You perform. You share the acceptable version. And THAT’S why social media can feel so strange. We're all standing in a room together saying, "Here's the version of me that's easiest to love." But what if we were a little more brave? Not reckless. Not oversharing for the sake of oversharing. Calm down.

No. The things we think make us outcasts are the exact things that help someone else feel less alone. And isn't that connection the whole point?

This brings me to tarot:

The World card is often misunderstood as an ending, but I don't think it's really about endings at all. The World is completion, yes, but not the kind where you arrive at some perfect final version of yourself. It's the completion of a CYCLE y’all. An understanding that every part of you belongs: the polished parts, the messy parts, the healing parts, and yes, even the inner inner inner thoughts.The World doesn't judge, it witnesses! It says, “you've carried these experiences, these fears, these strange little truths, and they all count. Nothing wasted.”

That's how we run small businesses without obsessing over Facebook?

Yeah, we stop performing and just create from the truest place we can access (that day).